The Legend

Babies are born every minute of every day in every country of the world. Most babies grow up to lead normal lives as good people. Sometimes babies grow up to be firemen, other times they grow up to be seamstresses, and occasionally a baby will grow up to do something special like win the Nobel Peace Prize.

But once in every blue moon, a baby is born that grows up to be a legend. A legend is defined by urbandictionary.com as “someone or something whose coolness transcends space and time”. I know a decent amount of cool people who are pretty funny, fairly smart, and moderately hip, but there is only one person I know that can truly be considered a legend. That person goes by the name of Benjamin Sevcik.

Ben is literally a prophet. I’m serious, he should have his own chapter of scriptures in the Old Testament. Ben once explained to me that a person can say whatever they want to someone else even if they know it isn’t true as long as they say “I don’t know” at the end of their statement while trailing off. As the years passed, I came to realize that Ben is right. I could tell someone about my theory on why dog sledding should be one of the big four sports in the U.S. replacing hockey and give all the reasons why dog sledding is a sport that people will love and pay money to go watch and all I have to say is “I don’t know” and trail off at the end of my speech and it totally excuses me from prosecution when they find out that my theory is defunct.

Like all good legends, Ben does what is right, even if it isn’t popular. I once heard a tale about a fantasy football post-season party that Ben crashed with his girlfriend. People who were present say it was like the time when Jesus stormed into church and smashed the Roman’s blackjack tables, condemning them for gambling in God’s house. This fantasy football party was a culmination of 17 weeks of pure dudeness- football, gambling, and trash talking over the internet. There were 15 guys at the party drinking to excess, giving each other wedgies, talking about their plans to get laid someday. When the Legend walked in with his girlfriend, the room became very quiet and still. I am told Ben raised his head and said, “I am here to collect my money.” Ben was the guy who won the fantasy league, and he showed up to the all-guy fantasy football party with his girlfriend to collect his $1,200! Tell me that isn’t the stuff of legend!

Sometimes, Ben is given no choice and has to use force to get his point across. He doesn’t want to do it because he knows his superior strength could literally kill someone, but as a legend, he needs to draw a line in the sand that bad guys know not to cross. One time in the late 1990's, Ben had a party at his parent's house. When a guy named Matt Peters got out of control and broke the family shofar, Ben literally smashed his head into a glass table, lit his head on fire with a burner from the stove, and dragged Matt’s dead corpse through the streets of Naperville. When Ben returned home, party-goers bowed down to him and several girls offered to bathe him and clean his wounds. Ben obliged.

In my opinion, January 28th should not be a national holiday, it should be a world holiday where no human on the planet does any work, everyone just sits at home all day and thinks about how much of a legend Ben is. But until that happens, a blog post on Intheends will have to do. Happy birthday, Sesh. One of these days you gotta tell us your secret to being a legend.

Xmas and NYE

My trip back to Chicago for Christmas and New Years was the same as my trip to Chicago in July... filled with family, friends, and music.

But this time around the band has a new name that we plan to keep forever, Curbside Manner, as well as four new tracks. Musically, I don't know if I could ever play in a band without TC and John...and I don't think I would ever want to. Regardless of whether or not we will end up being the biggest band in the world, there is something amazing about chemistry among musicians, and we definitely have it. Although it is cliche, if I were to be honest with myself about what I want to do with all my time, this would be it.

Here's a new one called "Over It" that you can't really hear.


Here's another new one, the acoustic version of "Left For Dead", written on the beach in Malibu.

So I guess that you know
If you love me
And you don't
I've got a long way to go
But I'm focused
I won't lie
Tell me now at 6am
Seven hurting
Eight dead
Flies are buzzing in my head
Tell your people
I won't lie
Not this time

'Cause I found
You run into my world
You run into my life
Girl, I hope you're scared
It starts at 6am
And we are left for dead

So I guess that you know
How you're feeling
I tried
To turn on all the things inside
Your heart
And your soul
I did the things that I was told
But you locked me
Outside
At 25 to run for my life
At a crossroads
Your own
I guess now I know

Take, take on what you know
And what you think you need
Me against the goddamn galaxy
And every little star
And every little place
Were built to stand in front of me
To think you could come back
To think you could regret
This life was one I knew you'd left
But the galaxy's been won
The show's already done

Christmas Eve was a little different this year as Johnny D. Davits and Soham came by to eat lasagna and Italian beef sandwiches (now that is a Chicago Christmas!). I like the new tradition and want friends to be in the mix every Christmas from here on out.

Little Billy threw a party at his place in Forest Park one night, but then decided he was sick and figured he'd rather sit on the toilet while everyone else went to the bar. Good thing nurse Jules was there to wheel him out into the main room so everyone could get a good look at his pale, sickly Billy-body. Thanks Jules!

Dogs: Nothing But a Nuisance

Let's think about this for a minute. What is a dog? Relative of the rat and the possum, a dog is a four-legged creature imprisoned by homo sapiens and forced to do awkward human-like tasks like shake hands, spin in a circle, and sit. Now think about what a dog does. They lick, bark, slobber, bite, crap, shed, piss, run away, steal food off your plate when you aren't looking, hump your leg when you are trying to watch TV, wake you up when they are howling at the moon, play dead when robbers break in, leave a layer of fur on everything they come in contact with, stink up the whole house, bitch about having to go outside and take a crap when they should be sleeping, smush their tongue all over your hands after you just got done washing them, and so on, and so on.

Sorry to break the news to everyone, but dogs are just annoying. And for some reason, they are given the same priviledges as humans, often times being given better treatment. People are always talking to their dogs, which is ridiculous because dogs don't have any clue what you are saying. People listen to their dogs bark and act like it makes sense, but of course it doesn't make any sense because DOGS DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH, they only know how to speak Dog and that's not even a language. Considering their brain is the size of a water chestnut, wasting any time trying to communicate with your dog is really just insanity.

There is a big double standard when it comes to dogs. It wouldn't be ok for me to go up to some random person on the street and start licking their hand, but if a dog does it, it is totally acceptable, sometimes even considered adorable. When dogs do this to me, I try to smile to put on a good face in front of the pretty girl who owns it, but I am actually thinking to myself as I look at it, I hate you.

The most ridiculous thing to me is that dogs get their crap picked up by humans. Have you seen these idiots? Walking around with a plastic bag on their hand picking up dog crap?! Shouldn't it be the other way around, like a big group of dogs pulling a sleigh full of our feces to the local garbage dump like Santa's reindeer careening him to the next house?

People's feelings about the value of a dog's life and the value of a human's life are totally out of whack. When I saw American Gangster at the theatre, I found it pathetic how the crowd was absolutely horrified when the cop shot Denzel Washington's dog, but when Denzel shot a human being at point blank range, no one made a peep. I guess you can't fuss about the small stuff when there are dogs being killed.

And now I have found another reason why dogs suck: they are a huge cock block. Just think about it. You go over to a girl's house that you just started seeing and you are looking to sneak in a hello kiss, but before you have a chance to lean in her dog jumps onto your leg and tries to bite your balls off. Meanwhile she is trying to get the thing to calm down and the moment is totally ruined. Later when you are hanging out in her room, the dog is there the whole time and she makes it seem like there is another person there, constantly talking to it and calling for it. And of course she can't get down to any real business with another "person" in the room, that would be rude and awkward. Excuse me for trying to kiss you, I didn't see your dog over there in the corner mumbling to himself and licking his balls! I certainly didn't mean to offend him! Like I said, dogs blow.

I get annoyed with people that say a dog is always there for you and a dog is your best friend. The only reason a dog is there for you is because you lock it in your house all day and strap a leash around its neck when it is outside. And a dog isn't your best friend, the only reason it even looks at you is because you have the key to the pantry where all its food is being hidden. If a dog actually had a choice, do you think it would be hanging out with your lame ass? Absolutely not. It would be out there in the wild trying to pull tail just like every other animal on this planet. Seriously, if you consider a dog as one of your good friends, you need to take a look at yourself and try to figure out why you are such a loser.

Well, there's my thoughts on dogs for the day.