Dating

So I go on dates and it starts off great. I’m cracking a few jokes and letting the charm flow out of me. I'm asking interesting questions. I’m furrowing my eyebrows to show that I’m listening intently. I’m engaged.

The girl is into it. She gets a couple drinks in her and loosens up. She’s smiling and laughing and talking my head off. She’s thinking I could be a good guy for her. She’s imagining us hiking together, cooking together, shopping together. I seem to be into business; I’m likely to be able to provide for her financially down the road. She’s thinking I could be a good Dad and she's wondering how many kids she wants to have with me and what type of clothes she's going to dress them up in. She’s envisioning our home, our vacation home and our retirement home. Girls' minds move fast when it comes to this stuff. I can see it on her face. She's 20 years down the road already.

Then comes the reveal. I tell her that I’d like to try acting as a serious profession in the future. I mention that if I could do anything with my life, I would be the lead singer of a punk rock band. I note that since I’m over 25, my chance of being a pool boy for an older, wealthy woman has passed, but I’m now focused on being a Scott Disick and trying to find a girl whose family has money so I can reap the benefits and live the good life. I mention that I plan to increase my drug use in the next few years and will probably give heroin a go. I announce that I’m planning to travel the world with a couple friends for 1-2 years and plan to sleep in hostels, on random people’s couches and in parks.

I let all those points sit there for a moment in the silence, and it usually gets a giggle when she thinks I’m kidding. And then she realizes I’m dead serious and things get a little awkward. I can see her face tallying up all these points in the “con” box, and her whole vision of what we could have been is entirely ruined. And then I feel bad because I messed up her game plan and put myself out there with something real that wasn't embraced by my audience.

So we throw back a few more and see where the night takes us, both knowing that we won’t be starting a family together anytime soon.