Birthdays

Birthdays….are they really that great anymore? Remember when you were young and your birthday was the coolest day ever? You felt like the king of the world because it seemed like everyone who was anyone cared, you had your whole life ahead of you and each year was so unique and exciting. Turning 12, turning 16, turning 21, they were all epic.

This year it became more apparent than ever that not only are birthdays no longer fun, they have turned into a day of the year that I dread. There are a plethora of reasons. First, I’m an old man now and I have officially reached the age where there are people much younger than me doing amazing things with their lives. When you’re young and you see people doing amazing stuff, it’s no big deal because you assume you will be doing those same amazing things when you turn that age. But now that half the NBA is younger than I am, I'm starting to feel like I am behind the curve. Thanks a lot Lebron!

Having your birthday while working in corporate America is not ideal. Office birthdays are always awkward because no one really cares, the whole office just huddles around your desk and stares at you while you eat cake. I always feel obligated to give some sort of speech. Some companies try to surprise you by scheduling a fake meeting and then when you walk into the conference room and there’s a bunch of people impatiently waiting, half of whom you’ve never met before. And of course the surprise didn't work because you know it’s your birthday and the Assistant that scheduled the fake meeting didn’t come up with a very believable reason to have it. I thought about calling in sick just to avoid my coworkers on my birthday.

Your friends also struggle to care. If you don’t live around them, they won’t be going out and getting drunk with you, so what’s in it for them? Each year you get fewer and fewer calls, and unless you start a family, I bet there is point in time when you don’t get a single call on your birthday. The year that your parents are too old to remember. The year all your friends are married and could care less. The year you finally remember not to write in your birthday when filling out paperwork with HR at your new job so no one in the company knows when your birthday is. I feel like that year might be when you turn 44.

I actually received a lot of great messages from friends this year. My favorite was: “I believe it’s the rat’s birthday, so ratty rat to you Hatty Rat, happy birthday brother. If I’m wrong, I would feel really stupid, but I’m fucking 99% sure. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! Get your ass back here to Chicago so we can celebrate, you beach-surfing bum. It’s about to get crazy cold around here. Just like you like it. Hit me up. Later.”