Battle Royale I

Guest blog by Daniel Blaize LeFevre

To all our fans:

The Battle Royale a.k.a, 10-sport competition officially got underway in Los Angeles in early September. To provide some background, the competition originated about a year ago after Marc was convinced he was at expert status in ping pong. After strongly believing his claim in beating the Jewish Juggernaut and some more back and forth, he finally said, “We should have some sort of competition where we each draft particular sports, meet in a neutral site, bring our hot girlfriends to cheer us on and go head-to-head.” Or something like that. In reality, this has probably been in the works since college where I’ve been told that we used to compete in everything from workouts to girls to marketing tests. Yes, pathetic but what’s the point of doing things if you can’t do them well?

After 10 weeks of drafting with one sport selected each week and painstaking amounts of practicing field goals and skateboarding, I set off for a non-neutral site alone for what promised to be a legendary weekend.

Hurdles
I arrived in L.A. with almost all my pride at stake. We cruised towards the UCLA campus and jumped into action with a 200M competition of head-to-head hurdles. I began on the second to most outside lane and he was on the most outside lane. An onlooker helped us with the jump and we were off to the races. Hat was in my sights through the first few hurdles and I gained confidence as he began to smash into them like a bulldozer. Even after he clanked into 3 separate hurdles, he beat me in a non-photo finish fashion, smoking me by at least 2 or 3 seconds. Hatfield 1, LeFevre 0

We had field goal kicking planned for tonight but the field at UCLA was under construction and Noelle, Hat’s new lady was waiting for us. She immediately let us know that she was happy not to see the hurdles competition because it could’ve been a “deal-breaker”. Win or lose, she wasn’t ready to witness her guy in high shorts in this all-important competition. She was all about getting french fries at Chili's though...she loves chain restaurants.

Long boarding

Hat and I headed down to Santa Monica beach to square off in a timed trial long boarding competition. The quarter-mile course stretched along the beach and was humming with good looking Cali girls. A sight to see, a nearby homeless guy on the boardwalk had 2 dogs acting as reindeer leading his double skateboard sled as he rolled along the coast right behind them. First up, I showcased a few skills as I wound around the pavement and came in at a time of 2 minutes, 25 seconds, respectable. Unfortunately, Hatfield showed that he’s adapted to the SoCal lifestyle by turning in a time of 1 minute, 51 seconds. Hatfield 2, LeFevre 0

More attempts at FG kicking were unsuccessful as high schools and community colleges turned us out. In route to Venice High School, we took a shortcut through an alley to be greeted by a wailing fire truck coming head on at the other end of the alley. We scooted to the side of the alley to let the fire truck pass and had an ambulance surprise us at the alley’s exit. Without any time to spare, Hat pinched through the alley while a frantic onlooker was yelling that we were about to hit her car. We ended up bumping an illegally parked car that hindered our right hand turn and the woman screamed, “oh great, you hit my fucking car”. It turns out, her car was parked in front of the illegally parked car that we nudged and that car bumped her car, which was parked immediately in front of the illegally parked car, a Saturn. We hopped out of the car to see 3 paramedics and 2 policemen opening the Saturn. Inside there was a woman in her eighties, head down, completely unconscious, presumably dead. After seeing an empty handle of Karkov Vodka next to the car, we found out she was only drunk beyond coherence and passed out in her car.

Afterwards, we snuck onto Venice High School’s football field and began doing our warm-up kicks. After my third kick, I chased the ball down and jumped and hung on the FG post, bringing it down a few notches and as a result, crooked uprights. We continued but it didn’t take long for a short, scowling, gray-haired football coach to begin reaming us. It brought me right back to high school football, it was great. He told us repeatedly how precious his time was and ordered me 3x to tell him why I hung on the post. “I got a little ahead of myself”, was the best I could come up with. We made two feeble attempts to put the post in its upright position but even Hatfield trying his best to hoist me up could not win back this coach. You had to be there for this. We left without even starting the competition and with one more pissed off football coach in the world.

Golf
Malibu Country Club was an awesome setting for 18 holes but the competition was over before it started. Hatfield’s 12 on the first hole foreshadowed the rest of the day as he took 136 strokes to complete the course, I came in at 94. Finally on the board w/a victory. Hatfield 2, LeFevre 1

Bowling
The first sport that was up for grabs gave way to the term “swing sport”. It was determined that there were approximately 6 swing sports in the Royale, 4 sports likely determined before we got to them. After we tied the practice round, it was one game for all the marbles. The real comp wasn’t nearly as close, 151-115, advantage LeFevre. Hatfield 2, LeFevre 2

Disc Golf
Day 3 opened in Long Beach with a Hatfield lock. I made it close but it was never in question. I got beat by 5 strokes on a beautiful disc golf course. Hatfield 3, LeFevre 2

Field Goal Kicking
After filling up on pancakes at a free pancake breakfast in the local community, we finally got our kicks in. Sadly, I practiced for this competition more than any one of the sports. Hat was up first and had a big disadvantage. We each had 5 kicks and the longest kick takes the competition. So, whoever goes last can mark up a yard behind the previous long and get one last crack at it. This is exactly what happened. I missed my first 4 from around the 35 yard mark and Hat's only make came on his second attempt from about that distance. We backed it up one yard and with tons of pressure (this was a swing sport) on the shoulders of a former high school kicker, I put it dead center of the Long Beach State University’s uprights. Big win! Hatfield 3, LeFevre 3

Softball Triple Play
3 individual mini competitions, whoever wins 2 of 3 takes the overall competition. Mike, Hatfield’s Polish friend from the Tennis Channel, got us access to the friendly confines of Loyola Marymount University’s sports facilities. First up was a homerun derby on the women’s softball field. An easy bomb if you connect and get it up because it only had about 240 ft. to travel. We each hit 7 out after the first 20 swings and it took Hatifields 4 homeruns in 5 swings to win him the overtime round. Sadly, Mike, who took the first swings of his life on this day, was able to put one out straightaway centerfield after his third cut.

Down 0-1 in the mini events, we perhaps competed in the most childish of activities out of the whole decathlon. We ran the bases 2x, take the fastest time you have and that score wins. Mike clocked me at 10.67 seconds on my best, Hatfield 10.87. Tied up 1-1 in minis.

Next, long toss. We headed to the LMU soccer field to see who could heave a softball the furthest out of 3 attempts. Hat’s first toss ended up about 75% down the soccer field while my first toss trickled past the other end of the field (120 yards). Even a pirouette to gain momentum on Hat’s second toss couldn’t make him victorious. Hatfield 3, LeFevre 4

Basketball
With a 4-3 deficit and only two swing sports left, all the pressure fell on Hatfield to win a best of 3, 1-on-1 series of basketball. Definitely the meat and potatoes of the entire event and possibly the one w/the most bragging rights going forward. After 7 sports final, we were both pretty tired and not looking forward to the most draining of all of them. Playing w/2’s and 3’s, make-it-take-it up to 15, Marc took an early 6-0 lead in the first game but some good shooting from the perimeter helped me take the first game 15-10.
The second game couldn’t have been closer and included a shoulder into a jaw, a loose ball skirmish with Hatfield’s sweaty body sliding across the floor and a missed layup that could’ve won the game. Hatfield got up 14-10, then 14-12, but had a mental breakdown and allowed me to have an open look at 3 and it counted to win the game 15-14 and take the comp. Hatfield 3, LeFevre 5

Ping Pong
As you know, ping pong is probably the main reason that this competition was born. Playing former tennis players in ping pong at lunch everyday gave Hatfield one more thing in life to be confident in. Showing me little appreciation, he must not have realized I grew up training to be an Israeli Olympic athlete in ping pong (to face a fellow Polish Olympian likely). Best of 15 to make sure no flukes were in order and we only had to play the minimum. Rabbi suffocates Hatfield, 8 games to none. Dignity out the window. Hatfield 3, LeFevre 6

Racquetball
Coming down to the final Sunday, we had one sport left to finish. This was Hat’s first time playing r-ball which is pathetic b/c he only had 11 months to train for this. Best of three only prolonged the misery and the final victory to make it 5 in a row finalized the first year of the 10-sport, Battle Royale. Hatfield 3, LeFevre 7

The Competition:

Being the first edition of this event, I couldn't have been more pleased. Besides the obvious, I thoroughly enjoyed heading from one side of the city to the next to find out what laid ahead. Although I think we put our best efforts forth, it didn't feel like I was in a "win or die" situation. That could be because there were only a few head-to-head sports (basketball, ping pong, hurdles) where the goal wasn't just to get a higher or lower score to succeed but to go at the heart of your arch enemy and take him down, I'm not sure. Either way, we competed, competed hard and then the focus became the next sport. There was no real dwelling on the previous competition and that might have alleviated some hard feelings. Not saying confident wasn't lost for each of us at different times. After I came up with a badly bruised heal after being smoked in hurdles, I wasn't sure my athletic ability was worth quite what it used to be. After Hatfield was down 6-3 and looking 7-3 in the face, he said, "I used to think I was clutch. I'm not so sure anymore."

To those out there that are certain you could succeed or compete against either Hatfield or me, the day could come. You may have each of us or both in a couple sports but these Olympics are about the variety of sports we excel in. Being really good at billiards or shot put will only get you so far.

Los Angeles:

One of the best things about this competition was the tour of LA and the surrounding areas. Hat and I put 170+ miles on his 2003 red Mustang convertible. I had heard more than a fair share of negatives about L.A. (and Hatfield for that matter) beforehand but those criticisms are almost always about the people...or the traffic. Nobody mentioned crusing along the coast, the bevy of universities, the liberating attitudes that seem to possess everyone or the sprawling areas of land that truly make you believe you're in the west. LA, to me was a place I wanted to hate but didn't succeed. I'm a fan.

The future of the Battle Royale:

Will there be a BR II? Only time will tell but the discussions were in the works as having this be an every other year type deal...MTV airs Season 2??

Signing off,

BR I Champ