Billy Hates......

It was brought to my attention recently that Billy hates New Years. How can someone hate New Years, you ask? Believe me, I asked myself the same question. I can’t imagine why someone would skip out on a night in Chicago at a great bar with all their close friends around to stay home at their parent’s house and wake up at the ass crack of dawn to work in a restaurant in downtown Lisle that has a minimum tooth requirement for their waitresses. To the average person, this doesn’t sound like fun. But Billy is far from average. Some might even call him special. So I started thinking to myself, if Billy hates New Years, what other things does he hate?

Billy Hates....
by: Marc

Billy hates meat. Most Chicagoans are meat lovers. Burgs, dogs, steaks, ribs, italian beef sandwiches. The list of meats that Chicagoans stuff into their bellies goes on and on. We like being full. But not Billy. Billy's idea of a filling meal is 3 lbs of rice and a head of salad. If you're lucky he might pour some environmentally-safe salad dressing on the salad, but don't count on it. He can usually find something related to the destruction of animals on the label of any salad dressing. This can make Billy a difficult person to go out to eat with considering he can't really eat anything on the menu of most restaurants. There have been several occasions over the last few years in which Billy has refused to go to a restaurant if they didn't offer anything he can eat (which is pretty much every restaurant). I remember an instance in Florida in '03 when Billy sabatoged an entire dinner with a large group because he didn't want to eat at a Seafood Restaurant because it is morally wrong. Billy, you are so easy going and fun to hang out with!

Billy hates drinking. If being productive in every aspect of your life is your thing, then Billy is your guy. You don't get any time to hang out and shoot the shit when Billy is around. And don't even think about kicking your feet up and having a cocktail after a long week of work. Are you crazy?! Drinking accomplishes nothing! Why would you drink when you can write poems and study for law school? Plus, drinking blurs your judgment. If you're drunk you might do something you wouldn't normally do like hook up with an overweight female or get beat up in downtown Naperville by a bunch of high schoolers (sorry Scabs, had to do it). Plus, Billy hates fighting so that is doubley wrong. Now look what you've gone and done, you've made Billy mad at you.

Billy hates people that aren't moral. To lead a pure life, you need to be moral in everything you do. Always give all your money away to bums on the street. It's not their fault that they are lazy and addicted to crack. Give them every red cent in your pocket. If you don't, then you aren't moral and Billy hates people that aren't moral. So if at all possible, don't ever do anything that is morally wrong at any point in your life. Ever. Billy doesn't. And Jesus didn't. And those are two pretty fucking cool dudes.

Billy hates talking about sports. The Bears are one game away from the Super Bowl. Big fucking deal, give Billy a boca-burger and now we are talking. Billy, the Cubs just signed Soriano, they're probably going to the series. Oh wait, he can't hear us, he's in the quiet section of the law library with headphones on playing Motzart's 12th symphony. See, to Billy, paying attention to sports is a waste of time. That's what losers do that aren't as smart as him. The Cubs, Bears, Bulls, MJ, Sandberg, Sammy, Tommy Waddle, Teddy Kutner, Tommy Saftig, the Lisle Sharks, Bob Nitz, Jason Guccwa, Joe Shea, The Fridge, In Dusty We Trusty, Dudrick Derby, The Dynasty, Stingers, and Jay McCariens can all eat a big fat cock as far as Billy is concerned.

So what have we learned? Well, we have learned that Billy hates a lot of things that other people like. He likes the way he does things, in fact, he thinks the way he does things is pretty cool. And he doesn't really care what you like to do. He isn't changing for anyone. So don't even try. He's happy being Billy. And that's why we love him. Just let Billy be Billy and everything will be a ok.