URGENT

Dear Scabs-

Over the past few months your friends have been working on a communal blog. I think that up until recently it’s fair to say that it has been a success. In Hatfield’s very first post he mentioned that all of our friends share many different qualities and that together we could make a wide range of contributions to the blog. Personally, I expected that each of us would stick with what we know best. Here’s what I mean: Davit would post unique hippy ideas, Tc would be our funny man, Soham our quasi-intellect with a touch of humor, Hatfield the story teller and guider, and from Panosh stories about lifting weights and drinking. As for me, I expected that I would contribute the sentimental philosophical ideas in flowery language.

I’m sure you have seen the mess that has recently developed though. Tc is writing about how much he loves everybody. Soham is loving him back and writing about orchids. Davit is even complimenting Tc and Tc is writing messages back to Davit.

All that I am capable of is the flowery sentimental musings; so it’s not possible for me to write the mean-funny shit about Sesh eating a whole birthday cake. Up until now I never would have thought that I might have to give it a try. However, the blog might have an overload of Love right now. There is an imbalance in this universe and if things continue to get this bad I will probably have to take drastic action. I am running out of options here.

So, Scabs this letter is a call for help. We’re in an emergency situation right now. We’ve all become a bunch of pussies. You know how much we need you. To bring us back to the normal world we are going to need everything you got. You’ve got to bring out hamsters scurrying around people’s butts. We need your dream of being breast fed by a chick and having Dr. Pepper come out. We need all of the sick shit you want to do to all of our sisters in the back of a Bentley while rolling around in money as Hatfield washes the windows.

Scabbies: We need the Meat Freezer.

What I am saying is that if you don’t help us out I may even have to bring out just a few of the infamous “Scabby Emails.” I know you’re against that and so am I, but it’s out of my hands now. The world needs a little bit of everything and all we’ve got is love right now. I’m hoping that the problem somehow corrects itself, but so far it doesn’t look like that is going to happen. PLEASE HELP!

Your Friend,

Little Pilsner