Dogs: Nothing But a Nuisance

Let's think about this for a minute. What is a dog? Relative of the rat and the possum, a dog is a four-legged creature imprisoned by homo sapiens and forced to do awkward human-like tasks like shake hands, spin in a circle, and sit. Now think about what a dog does. They lick, bark, slobber, bite, crap, shed, piss, run away, steal food off your plate when you aren't looking, hump your leg when you are trying to watch TV, wake you up when they are howling at the moon, play dead when robbers break in, leave a layer of fur on everything they come in contact with, stink up the whole house, bitch about having to go outside and take a crap when they should be sleeping, smush their tongue all over your hands after you just got done washing them, and so on, and so on.

Sorry to break the news to everyone, but dogs are just annoying. And for some reason, they are given the same priviledges as humans, often times being given better treatment. People are always talking to their dogs, which is ridiculous because dogs don't have any clue what you are saying. People listen to their dogs bark and act like it makes sense, but of course it doesn't make any sense because DOGS DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH, they only know how to speak Dog and that's not even a language. Considering their brain is the size of a water chestnut, wasting any time trying to communicate with your dog is really just insanity.

There is a big double standard when it comes to dogs. It wouldn't be ok for me to go up to some random person on the street and start licking their hand, but if a dog does it, it is totally acceptable, sometimes even considered adorable. When dogs do this to me, I try to smile to put on a good face in front of the pretty girl who owns it, but I am actually thinking to myself as I look at it, I hate you.

The most ridiculous thing to me is that dogs get their crap picked up by humans. Have you seen these idiots? Walking around with a plastic bag on their hand picking up dog crap?! Shouldn't it be the other way around, like a big group of dogs pulling a sleigh full of our feces to the local garbage dump like Santa's reindeer careening him to the next house?

People's feelings about the value of a dog's life and the value of a human's life are totally out of whack. When I saw American Gangster at the theatre, I found it pathetic how the crowd was absolutely horrified when the cop shot Denzel Washington's dog, but when Denzel shot a human being at point blank range, no one made a peep. I guess you can't fuss about the small stuff when there are dogs being killed.

And now I have found another reason why dogs suck: they are a huge cock block. Just think about it. You go over to a girl's house that you just started seeing and you are looking to sneak in a hello kiss, but before you have a chance to lean in her dog jumps onto your leg and tries to bite your balls off. Meanwhile she is trying to get the thing to calm down and the moment is totally ruined. Later when you are hanging out in her room, the dog is there the whole time and she makes it seem like there is another person there, constantly talking to it and calling for it. And of course she can't get down to any real business with another "person" in the room, that would be rude and awkward. Excuse me for trying to kiss you, I didn't see your dog over there in the corner mumbling to himself and licking his balls! I certainly didn't mean to offend him! Like I said, dogs blow.

I get annoyed with people that say a dog is always there for you and a dog is your best friend. The only reason a dog is there for you is because you lock it in your house all day and strap a leash around its neck when it is outside. And a dog isn't your best friend, the only reason it even looks at you is because you have the key to the pantry where all its food is being hidden. If a dog actually had a choice, do you think it would be hanging out with your lame ass? Absolutely not. It would be out there in the wild trying to pull tail just like every other animal on this planet. Seriously, if you consider a dog as one of your good friends, you need to take a look at yourself and try to figure out why you are such a loser.

Well, there's my thoughts on dogs for the day.